The American experience holds a unique promise. For many, it means building a new life. For first-generation immigrants, like myself and Chai, that journey is often about navigating two distinct worlds. It means balancing ancestral roots with American aspirations. This journey, explored on “The American Dream in the Eyes of Immigrants” podcast, reveals shared struggles and triumphs. These stories highlight how individuals forge their own path to freedom and identity.
In this episode, I welcomed Chai. The two first connected at a “Women’s Generation event” at our corporate job, where Chai was a host. This meeting sparked a conversation that uncovered deep parallels in their upbringings. Both women are first-generation immigrants. Both grew up with strict immigrant parents. Their candid discussion reveals universal themes. These themes touch upon cultural clashes, family expectations, and the eventual quest for personal freedom.
This interview was the first time that I thought to myself, “How did we live the same life when our parents are from different parts of the world?” It was the first time that I also thought about how much more people are alike than they are different.
Cultural Roots and Naming Traditions
Identity often begins with a name. For Chai, her full birth name is Chaitanya Bala Subramaniam. She uses “Chai” in her professional life. Her last name, Bala Subramaniam, carries a fascinating cultural nuance. It is not a family name in the Western sense. Instead, it is a patronym.
In parts of Southern India, family names do not exist. A woman takes her husband’s first name as her last name upon marriage. Her children then adopt their father’s first name as their last name. This means that tracing a family tree through a patronym is not possible. It does not connect generations in the same way a traditional surname does.
This naming tradition often meets challenges when immigrants come to the United States. Here, a first and last name structure is standard. This forces a cultural conversion. The original meaning can get lost. This process can make it harder for individuals to trace their lineage. It disconnects them from their ancestral past. I shared a similar pattern with her Palestinian friend. Her father’s first name became their middle name. This highlights a common thread among immigrant families adjusting to American systems.
Also, I loved learning about this Southern Indian tradition.
Strict Upbringing Brings a Clash of Cultures
Parenting styles differ significantly across cultures. For first-geneJoin the Substack community for The American Dream in the Eyes of Immigrants Podcast and receive the episodes in your inbox. You can also leave comments, interact with other listeners, and listen to ad-free episodes.ration immigrants, their upbringing often blends traditions from their home country with pressures from their new environment. Chai describes a strict Hindu household. Her parents ingrained traditional values deeply. Morality was a constant theme. Eating meat was “wrong.” Disobeying parents was like “making God upset.” This created a strong sense of temptation and guilt around everyday choices.
I shared a very similar experience however, my parents are from the Dominican Republic. My Dominican family prioritized home-cooked meals. Eating out at American fast-food chains was rare. McDonald’s was a luxury. These strictures often led to feelings of deprivation. They created a longing for what other American kids experienced. Chai’s mother would comment on “Americans always having to eat out.” This showed a disparaging view of American culture. It reinforced traditional habits at home.
Traditional Values and Parental Expectations
For Chai, the indoctrination was clear. Her parents wanted her to be “as Indian as possible.” They discouraged American cultural influences. Chai only learned English at five or six. She remembers crying in preschool. She could not communicate a simple need to her teacher. This language barrier caused distress. It highlights how isolation can shape early childhood. Despite being born in the US, her parents guarded her against “corrupt” American culture.
When Chai started school, she received English as a Second Language (ESL) support. Within months, her accent faded. She learned to express herself in English. Yet, social integration remained a hurdle. Her father advised her to help classmates with homework. This was a path to popularity in India. But it backfired in American elementary school. Her peers preferred independence. This experience taught Chai a crucial lesson: her parents did not truly grasp American culture. Their guidance did not fit her new reality. Her mother advised her to “just observe everybody else and just do what they do.” This meant not drawing attention. It further emphasized conformity over individuality.
Breaking Free: Teenage Rebellion and Shifting Dynamics
The strict cultural upbringing often leads to a rebellion stage. For Chai, this began around age 15. The “forbidden” chicken nugget became a symbol of her defiance. For years, fear of divine and parental anger kept her from trying it. When she finally did, it marked a turning point. Her first serious boyfriend, who was Mexican, further intensified this rebellion.
Dating was seen as “bad and corrupt” by her parents. They expected an arranged marriage to a “proper boy.” When Chai started dating at 16, her parents reacted with intense disappointment. Her mother would cry. Her parents even sabotaged phone calls. This emotional manipulation made her feel like an “evil person” for having normal teenage crushes and desires.
The Pressure to Conform vs. Personal Desire
The internal conflict was immense. For years, Chai was the “goody-two-shoes.” She was the nerdy, traditional Indian girl who excelled in math. Her parents cherished this image. They were proud of her academic achievements. But beneath that facade, a desire for self-expression simmered. At nine, she had crushes. She felt “something’s wrong with me” for these normal feelings.
By 16, her rebellion hit its peak. Chai started skipping classes. She even smoked cigarettes. She gravitated towards friends with similar independent streaks. These friends offered acceptance. They treated her like a friend. This was a stark contrast to the emotional control at home. She sought belonging. This period was a shock for her parents. It introduced them to realities they had tried to shield her from.
A Daughter’s Perspective: Gender and Expectations
Gender roles and expectations further shape the first-generation immigrant experience. My father once told her, “If you were a boy, I would let you do whatever you want.” This deeply hurt me. It highlighted the unfair standards placed on girls. My father was strict. He questioned why I needed to go out with friends frequently. He believed it “didn’t look good” for a female.
Chai experienced a similar sentiment from her aunt. Her aunt suggested that a son’s higher education was paramount. For a daughter, a bachelor’s degree was “fine.” This internal perpetuation of gender inequality by women themselves is a painful reality. It reflects ingrained cultural biases. These biases are often carried across generations and continents.
I share how I felt “suffocated and trapped” in my teenage years. I longed to leave home. This feeling was so intense that when I left for college, I simply drove away. I did not offer a proper goodbye. My stepmother later expressed hurt. But, as an 18-year-old, I felt like needed to escape. Now a parent myself, I understands my father’s fears better. Parents worry about their children getting into trouble. Yet, there needs to be trust. I believe in trusting my children to make good choices. Prohibitions often backfire. They make forbidden actions more appealing.
Parental intention matters deeply. Chai explains that boundaries for safety are healthy. For instance, a mother warning her daughter about walking alone at night. This comes from genuine care. But demands for conformity, like hiding a septum piercing for a wedding, come from societal pressure. These are often rooted in psychological wounds or a desire to “people please.” True parenting teaches fundamental morals. It fosters kindness and respect. It does not pass down intergenerational trauma by discouraging dreams.
First-Generation American Dream
For Chai, the American Dream is not unique to the US. She believes it is a “human dream.”
- Freedom and Understanding: The human dream seeks freedom. It seeks to have feelings understood and respected.
- Happiness and Contentment: It aims for a life lived happily. It includes finding contentment in daily life.
- Love and Connection: It means finding love and building a family. It means seeing children grow from that love.
- Contribution: It involves helping others when possible. It means making money doing things you love that benefit society.
Essentially, the human dream is about living in peace and finding joy. The American Dream then acts as a pathway. It provides opportunities for “faster wealth generation.” For those from countries with less robust economies, the US offers more avenues for prosperity. This wealth, in turn, can facilitate the human dream. It provides the financial freedom to pursue personal happiness. It allows for a life of purpose.
Watch Now
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With Love, Heidy
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