Mom Guilt Is a Lie

Picture of a family, two kids, mom and dad, and a text describing what mom guilt is.

Moms, do you experience this, you’re getting your hair done, or your nails done, or you’re working on your business and some variation of these thoughts start coming to mind:

Do I spend enough time with my child/children? Do my kids think I’m a bad Mom? Should I be out without my kids? I shouldn’t have gone out with my friends. Are they missing me right now? Should I be feeding them this? Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Am I allowing too much screen time?

So if you are a good mom, you have experienced, at some point, some version of “Mom Guilt.”

What is Mom Guilt

There is no real medical or clinical definition for it. But it usually occurs when the feeling of guilt, anxiousness, doubt, or even the uncertainty that you are failing or falling short as a mother or the other version that you are a selfish mother for doing something for yourself.

This feeling of guilt can happen at any time, and it comes from unrealistic expectations from society, social media, family, and friends on what a mom should do, how a mom should act, or even what a mom should look like.

Mom guilt varies for different moms; if you’re a working mom, a new mom, or even a single mom, you can experience different variations of mom guilt, and it affects each one of us differently.

I mean think about it, how many times have you wanted to go get your hair done and decided not to because you feel your child might need you or that you can use that money for something your child needs. Maybe you want to simply get your nails done and have put that off too, or merely want 5 minutes alone, and if you do get five minutes, you don’t even know what to do because your life revolves around your kids.

Mom guilt is a lie but here are some truths to help you combat the feeling of guilt.

Motherhood Is Hard

Being a mother is the hardest most rewarding job there is because once you become a mom, there is no “off” button. Not when you’re sick, not when you’re working, not when you’re on vacation. And not even after they move out of the house.

You are always constantly thinking of their well-being and want to be there for them when they are in need. But there is no “guide” in how to parent or how to be a mom; there are only suggestions.

And each child is different, so you cannot even parent the same for each one. 

Social Media Is the Worst

When it comes to mom guilt, social media is the devil. The comparison starts. You see, other moms being so creative with their children or always doing different activities with their kids, and you begin to think, I wish I were that creative, or I wish I could do that with my children. 

You don’t post those picture-perfect family moments or pictures that you always see online, and this really takes a toll on you as a mother but STOP IT! Stop comparing yourself with other mothers because, honestly, we are all struggling, just no one posts that on social media.

I’ve come to accept the type of mom I am, so when I see pictures online of different types of moms, I just think to myself, Good for them, I’m just not that mom. And that doesn’t make me a “bad mom” – I’m a different mom because my personality is different and my kids are different.

Moms Are Too Hard on Ourselves

You are an individual, and your kids should know who you are outside of “Mom.” You should be more than just a mom, and your life should be more than just your kids. Don’t lose yourself in being a mom, remember who you were before you were a mother.

Remember, just because someone parents differently than you doesn’t mean they are doing it the wrong way, maybe it’s something that works for them. Every child is different, so their needs are different, and the approach for each one should be different. Not everything works for every child.

You might like: 3 Ways to Not Lose Your Identity in Motherhood

Healthy Mom Healthy Family

Taking time for yourself is OKAY! As a matter of fact, it’s a requirement to be a good mom! You need time for yourself, you need to be able to relax and clear your mind for your sanity. If you’re in the state of frustration all the time, you’re going to take it out on your kids. Take some time to be alone; your family will thank you later.

Find a hobby. Do something you love. Take a break from social media. Catch up with a friend. Write. Read. Sing. Dance. Whatever it is that will make you be you again.

And lastly,

You are ROCKING it! You’re doing a fantastic job, and no one but YOU can be the best mom to your kids; that is why God chose YOU as their mother!

With Love, Heidy

Are you interested in a little bit of a personal development newsletter? With a little bit of poetry? A little of opinion pieces? And some faith-based encouragement? Sign up for my Substack newsletter, “Into My Thoughts.”


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Blog Book Review

Book Review: Sister Citizen by Melissa V. Harris-Perry

My first ever book review, and I felt that it should be this book because of all the racial injustice issues and debates this year. This was my second time reading the book and really paying attention to what was being taught throughout the book. I think anyone who wants to gain more understanding of the racial injustice that has happened and continues to occur in this country should read. Also, it’s especially important for women to read, women of all backgrounds, because not every woman experiences the same issues in this country.

The beginning talks about the US government’s lack of response towards Hurricane Katrina’s aftermath back in 2005. Representative John Lewis, RIP, mentioned during a live CNN broadcast that race was a critical factor influencing both media representation of the disaster and government officials’ response.

Reading about this reminded me of the lack of response towards Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. It’s heartbreaking to see the aftermath and know that Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory, and yet the response was as if it were another country going through this. But I agree with John Lewis that race was a critical factor in both hurricanes’ response.

She talked about the stereotypes of Black Women in the United States but first started by explaining a study she conducted. She had focus groups with 43 African-Americans women in Chicago, New York, and Oakland. She had the women write down the stereotypes or myths that other people may hold about African-American Women and then write down the facts about black women as they saw them. They all arrived at the same three stereotypes that many researchers of African-Americans women’s experience also identify: Mammy, Jezebel, and Sapphire. Melissa goes into great details about each of them.

From reading this book, I learned about these stereotypes, and I’ve become more aware of seeing these stereotypes play out in movies, television shows, and stories with African-American roles. Melissa provides examples in the book, and some of the examples mentioned I didn’t notice while I was watching the show until I look back in retrospect.

After reading the book, I understand more, I am more aware, and I can educate others moving forward. The more we know, the more we grow, which is why I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand more about the racial injustice that occurs in our country.

One book isn’t going to cover all information, but it will help understand what African-American women have to encounter daily.

She ends the book by using Michelle Obama as an example in all the stereotypes and struggles mentioned throughout the book. And even though Michelle Obama grew up with both her parents, she got two degrees from Ivy League schools, is married, has two daughters within her marriage, people still labeled her and criticized her within the stereotypes.

If you read this book or have read this book, I definitely would like your insight and thoughts on it. This book should be added to your list of books for educating more about racial issues in this country.

What books are on your list? Which ones would you recommend to me?

With Love,


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Letter to My 17-Year-Old Self

Dear Heidy,

You’re in your last year of high school, and you cannot wait until you graduate. You’re ready to leave the school that you believe is full of so much unnecessary drama, but there is drama everywhere, and you think you’re prepared to leave your house. You feel you’re ready to take on the world because you feel trapped and ready to be on your own. You have a job right now, save up as much as you can because once you get to college, you will struggle a lot. You’re going to be hungry, a lot, you don’t like cooking and eating out gets expensive quickly. All the shoes you buy aren’t going to matter because you end up moving so much that all those shoeboxes become a hassle, and you end up throwing them out anyway, save money!

I know you’re disappointed you didn’t get into Western Michigan University, and you wish that you could go back to freshman year and care about your grades, but its senior year, and you cannot undo time. GRCC isn’t that bad of a school, but right now, you refuse to go there because your heart is so set on going to Kalamazoo, but first try to figure out what you want to study, don’t make decisions based on other people’s lives.

Your self-esteem isn’t at its best, and I know it feels like nothing you do is correct, and you have no purpose, but believe me, once you establish a relationship with Jesus, you will find your purpose. Stop comparing yourself to your friends and stop trying to be someone you’re not. People will love you for who YOU ARE, not who you’re trying to be. Be authentic always; there is nothing better than someone who is their true self, although I know that at this time, you’re trying to figure out who you are. I’ll be honest, it takes you a little bit to figure yourself out, but you do eventually. 😊

Enjoy every second of playing sports, enjoy the practices, and enjoy the games, both the losing and the winning, although it was mostly losing, LOL, but have fun! Try to enjoy the days you have left in high school because after this comes the real world and the real world is hard and filled with mostly struggling.

Be thankful that your father is the way he is with you. He cares about you A LOT and loves you A LOT, and although right now it’s hard to communicate with each other, please know it does get better, and you grow closer. 😊 He is just doing the best he can how he thinks is best. You’ll understand later, but be grateful.

You will go through some tough years, and it’s going to feel like there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel. It will also seem like it all came onto you at once, one thing after another, but find Jesus soon. He helps you through these challenging times and remember you are NOT alone. Don’t let those evil thoughts overpower your light. You are worthy, and you are here for a reason!

Those trails and challenges you will go through will help shape the woman become, and she is beautiful, resilient, loving, caring, understanding, and compassionate. You will find your voice, become more confident in yourself, I promise, and learn to love yourself, although you don’t right now. Continue to have self-respect and remember you are in control of yourself, not others. People will hurt you, but you will learn forgiveness, and your heart will go on. Remember, God is with you ALWAYS!

With Love, Heidy


Me when I was 17 years young!

I asked a few women to give advice to their 17-year-old self and here are their responses.

God defines you, not the world. Learn to seek His Will for your purpose & have the courage to step out in faith… also workplace is just like school, some people don’t grow up, and will spread gossip just the same. – Age 33

You are good enough no matter how others make you feel. – age 26

Guys suck; save all your money, traveling is so much fun, make it work, and also start college as soon as you finish high school and do it fast. – Age 33

The biggest thing I could say would be, “you’re going be ok, God is always in control” – Age 25

Honestly, though, my teenage self was very naïve about the world and thus I feel like she didn’t really need that much advice. She was pretty confident about herself and very optimistic as a person. It wasn’t until I got to college that I started facing some insecurities about the real world such as being the only person of color in a room full of white people or not feeling smart enough or adequate in the professional world. When I was a teenager, everything seemed so easy. Sports were life, friends were so easy to keep up with, and my home life was great. Looking back I think I would tell myself to cherish every single minute as much as I can. And to hold onto those friendships even post-teenage years (something I didn’t do). I think I would tell myself to not forget how good it feels to be a part of a team. And to always, always, always remember how happy those moments made me feel. – Age 29

Don’t get hooked on anybody, enjoy as much as you can, don’t take high school so serious, time flies so fast, and learn to say no, don’t sell yourself short. Enjoy yourself! Don’t take any guy relationship seriously. – Age 27

Don’t be scared to take risks and save more, invest more, take the trip, and be vulnerable it’s OK! – Age Unknown

Be patient! You have so much life left! – Age Unknown


What would you say to your teenage self? Let me know in the comments or let’s connect!

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