I knew I was pregnant right away, as soon as I missed my period. Plus, we were trying for a baby. After a few months of negatives, the test was finally positive; I took another test to really confirm the following day.
Another positive.
I was beyond excited and couldn’t contain it.
I had already played in my mind how we would tell my parents, his family, and our closest friends.
I wanted to share my excitement immediately.
The same day of taking the second test, I wanted to share the good news, especially because my parents asked if we were going to have a child, but we always said no.
I couldn’t wait to record their reaction and treasure that memory forever.
They were ecstatic like I knew they would be.
Although Jonathan told me we should wait until we went to the doctors to confirm all was well, I wouldn’t listen. I was confident everything would be okay.
The next person I couldn’t wait to tell was Lia.
She has been asking me for years if she could be a big sister. I’d never seen a child love babies like Lia loves babies.
For the longest, I’d tell her no, that we’d get her a puppy instead once we purchase a house. But I never told her that Jonathan and I were trying because I wanted to surprise her.
I recorded her reaction as well because I knew it would be priceless. From that moment on, it was just questions about the baby, touching my stomach, kissing it, and asking how the baby was.
Two days later the cramping started with spotting.
I know sometimes this is normal, so I didn’t worry too much about it.
But the bleeding worsens, so I called the OB, and they suggested to go to the hospital and not wait until my appointment Thursday to make sure everything was okay.
We arrived at the hospital and noticed that I bled through my pantiliner, so I asked for a pad. And I saw clots. I cried. I knew what was happening, but I still held on to a little bit of hope.
They did blood work, and they did an ultrasound. Jonathan told me he saw something flashing on the screen, and it reminded me of the first time I had a get a vaginal ultrasound with Lia, and they were able to find her right away. I saw the same thing, something pumping on the screen. They told me that was her heartbeat, so I thought it was the same this time around.
Once I get into the patient room, the nurse told me to put the hospital gown on, and the doctor would be in shortly. She gave me a warm blanket, and the waiting game began.
The doctor came in and started asking questions about my period, the pregnancy test I had taken, and my other pregnancies and birth. There has only been one other, and she is six years old, I said.
Well, the ultrasound doesn’t show anything, and your HCG levels are projecting a negative pregnancy test. It’s either a very early pregnancy, or this is your period. The only way to make sure is to do another blood test on Thursday since the hormone doubles every 48 hours.
WHAT! I’m not pregnant!? I thought immediately.
So, nothing showed up in the ultrasound? I asked.
No, here are the results. Any other questions.
No.
I’ll get the nurse to bring your discharge paperwork.
I looked straight ahead, numb, just completely numb. I was trying to comprehend what I was informed. Wrap my head around what happened, what is going on, is this true? Am I really living this right now?
Jonathan just hugged me and kissed me and immediately the tears rolled down my face.
I felt so stupid. Why did I have to be so impatient? Why couldn’t I just wait to tell everyone. Now, I must tell them that there isn’t a baby, after getting everyone’s hopes up. Especially Lia. Ugh. This sucked.
Well, we got home, Jonathan ordered hibachi for us and we watched SNL – I needed the laugh.
Every time I went to the bathroom, there was a cruel reminder that I was not pregnant. The reminder that my baby wasn’t going to be my baby. The reminder that my baby didn’t make it. The painful reminder that I am now one of the many women to understand this kind of pain. That I, too, had so many hopes and dreams for my unborn child, even though it had only been two days. Because when you are trying to conceive, you start dreaming and planning before you conceive. You think about how you’re going to announce, the maternity pictures, the doctors’ appointments, and time off work. You picture your family’s reactions and the happiness and joy that this baby will bring. You want this so bad that when it finally happens, after waiting, it feels surreal, like yes! This time around, we did it! We finally did it! Only to have all those dreams and plans shattered every time you go to the bathroom and realize there’s no baby.
I went to my appointment on Thursday. I was so anxious and annoyed that because of COVID, Jonathan couldn’t go inside the appointment room with me. They needed a urine sample. I told the Medical Assistant it would have blood because of my bleeding, and she said that’s fine. I couldn’t pee. I was shaking and too anxious. After what felt like forever, I told the MA I couldn’t go. She said that’s okay. She took my vitals and took me to room number one.
I called Jonathan so he would be on the phone while I spoke to the doctor. The Nurse Practitioner came in, and I explained everything to her. She asked me a few follow-up questions and took my results from the hospital to the doctor. Shortly after, the doctor came in, and he reviewed my chart and told me that he needs a urine sample because this could be going two ways, either this is my period on a heavy flow or I’m having a miscarriage. Still, the only way to find out was with the urine sample.
I asked him if the pregnancy test would still show positive even if I were having a miscarriage. He reminded me again that the blood work is the most accurate pregnancy test, and it came back negative; also, that home test can provide false positives.
They gave me some water and back to the bathroom I went. I was finally able to provide a urine sample and I called Jonathan again.
Another nurse practitioner came to tell me that my test came back negative. “YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT,” she told me. Sitting there so annoyed, she said to me that sometimes we miscarry before the body can show up on the tests that we are pregnant, which is what is probably happening to me.
I left more confused than before. I told Jonathan the results and we went home. Once I got home Lia ran up to me asking if there was a baby and I told her no.
She immediately started bawling, and I explained that this happens sometimes, but we have to continue asking God for a sibling, and he will bless us when the time is right. She then asked me why did I tell her there was a baby if there wasn’t. That broke my heart. I responded, I wouldn’t do that to her; I wouldn’t tell her there was a baby if I didn’t think there was. She kept asking questions because she’s not the kid to take a simple answer and just go with it. So, I told her that the baby needed to attach to my insides, and it didn’t, so now I’m bleeding. Each day, after that, she would ask me if I was still bleeding. Honestly, Lia is such a great kid and really cares for the people she loves; it’s incredible to see. Now, when we do our nightly prayer, we ask for a healthy baby.
My faith in God has grown over the years, and I feel that if it weren’t for the relationship I have with him and the faith I have in him, I would have been worse. I know that this happens, and I know that it wasn’t my fault. But at that moment, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of being stupid. I felt like I got everyone’s emotions and hopes up just to crush them a few days later. I felt like I should have listened to Jonathan and that I shouldn’t be so impatient.
I know God is in control, and He knows why everything happens; I don’t question him ever. I just know that in his timing, he will provide us with a healthy baby. God placed it in my heart to have a baby after my grandfather passed. I said I would only stay with Lia for years, and Jonathan also mentioned he didn’t want more kids. But after my grandfather died and I saw my uncles and my aunt all sharing their grief, I remembered back when my mom passed how everything fell on me because my sister was only six years old and couldn’t help me make decisions; I realized I could not do this to Lia. I cannot let all that burden of when I pass fall on her alone.
From then I stopped taking the birth control pills.
This has been a tough loss and emotional also but with God, Jonathan, and my family they are helping me get through it.
Why is it so hard to forgive? Is it because of the hurt? Or who we were hurt by? It’s always who we least expect it from. Or maybe it was the action? But whatever the reason forgiveness is hard and we have to a lot of it, the Bible says 70 x 7.
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven,” Matthew 18:21-22 of the Revised Standard Version
The Bible talks quite a bit about forgiveness, and we have to forgive. We have to forgive ourselves, and we have to forgive others. God forgives us every day for our sins. Every single day!
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 New International Version
We aren’t perfect – no one is, which is why we hurt other people. Sometimes intentional, and sometimes we don’t realize it. But regardless, it is wrong, and we have to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving – it’s for you. It’s freeing you of that burden. You carry around all this weight that’s holding you down and aren’t able to move on. But once you let it go, it’s so freeing.
It does take time to forgive. Do it when you’re ready. Once you’ve processed the hurt and understand your emotions. Ask God to help you – he will guide you, but it needs to be done. Don’t live with the pain, it will make you bitter. Let go of the hurt – it will free you. And once you let go, don’t ever look back.
I challenge you to write a letter to someone you need to forgive. Write down how they hurt you and how it made you feel. Write your thoughts, everything you wish you could tell them, and then read it out loud to yourself, and then rip it up and throw it away.
Protect yourself – yes, sometimes people deserve a second chance, but you decide. You get to decide if you want to give them another chance. You can forgive and not give another chance because you have to protect yourself. Just don’t let one person pay for what someone else did, that’s not fair.
I started following Jay Shetty on Instagram after I saw his interview on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith. Jay Shetty is a motivational speaker, and his goal is making wisdom go viral. He’s a former monk and spreads positivity like wildfire, my type of people honestly. LOL
I recently came across his post on IG with Khloe Kardashian, I know I’ve probably lost some readers by now, but keep reading this is insightful, and he was asking to drop a “yes” in the comments if you listened to the podcast episode with her. And I just thought to myself, “what!? Khloe did an interview with Jay Shetty, how could I’ve missed this?” Yes, I am a Kardashian fan, but I do not follow them like I used to when I was younger. And out of the clan, Khole has always been the one I found is the most real and most relatable.
As I was listening to the podcast on my way to pick up Lia from school, I was hearted with how similar our mindset is and how much Khloe and I have in common. She spoke so much truth, and she truly is a kind soul. She tries to spread kindness and positivity, and again, those are my kind of people.
At the beginning of the episode, she talks about how we are all made up of energy and how it affects other people, she mentioned if people were just 5% kinder by doing simple things. For example, smile when opening the door to someone or saying “Hi” to a stranger, it could provide good karma back to you throughout the day.
Jay brought up an example of how he realized that when he would order an Uber, he wouldn’t say hi to the drivers until one driver didn’t start driving until Jay responded back to him. The driver must have asked him, “Hey, how are you?” about three times before Jay realized he was speaking to him because he was so busy on his phone. Khloe then reminds us that we are all humans, and we did operate before phones took over, so we should be human to one another.
The first thing that surprised me that Khloe and I have in common is that we both journal. She said she finds it very therapeutic, and I feel that it really helped me incredibly, especially this year when I took on so many projects at once. I like to write down my prayers, especially in the morning, because I like to wake up with a heart of gratitude. Journaling also helps get my thoughts together, plans, goals, and it’s helpful to look back and see my progress throughout the year.
Jay said he suggests writing all the time for people and to read back what they wrote down. Both him and Khloe agreed that writing, reading, and reflecting back is a form of therapy, and I couldn’t agree more.
The next topic was social media, and Khloe mentioned how she would go to someone’s page and compliment their freckles and things like that and how she would never go to someone’s page to talk bad about them. She tries to always encourage and uplift on social media, and I try to do the same. I like to spread positivity, encourage, and also support others on social media I would NEVER talk bad about someone on social media or use that platform for negativity because I don’t want that negativity in my life.
Even off social media, I try to be positive and encourage those around me. One coworker recently told me that she liked that I was so optimistic, and that meant SO much to me. I really want to be known and remembered as someone who was/is positive because it affects those around me. And not only do I try to be positive but also empathetic. You have to be able to put yourself in other people’s shoes and understand their viewpoints. And Khloe mentions this in the episode about being understanding.
The next thing that we both have in common is that we both pray. Khloe mentions that she takes time in the morning to pray, and she believes in God. Jay stated he feels that prayer is very important, and it’s a form of meditation. “Everyone should have faith in something, it centers us, holds us accountable for our actions every day.” -Khloe. I couldn’t agree more with her because faith, to me, is very important, and it’s a massive part of who I am.
She mentions that starting the day with gratitude can transit throughout the day, and she likes to set her mood for the day in the morning because you attract negative or positive things, it’s like a snowball effect. This is also why I like to write my prayers in the morning. Yes, I pray at night too, but I write my prayers in the morning, and it really does set the mood for the rest of the day.
Although she has to wake up earlier to pray, she said she doesn’t mind it because she said: “you make time for the things you want to do.” And this is so true if it is important for you or something you WANT to do, you WILL make time for it.
The next topic was her relationship with Tristen, and as we all mostly know about how he publicly cheated on her a few days before she was due to give birth to their baby True, and she mentions how she doesn’t hold any hate or anger towards him,. She doesn’t feel like she’s a victim. She says it’s so easy to play the victim, but everyone goes through things, and she isn’t the first or last person this has happened to. People make mistakes, and she understands that, but she won’t let her relationship with him affect his relationship with his daughter because he’s never hurt True, and although they didn’t work out, he is still her father.
I related to her completely on this because I was also betrayed by Lia’s father, but I cannot let that come in between their relationship because if he wants to be there for her, then I cannot stand in the way. Whatever happened between us shouldn’t affect our child; although we aren’t together anymore, each of us has an important role in Lia’s life. In the end, if I wouldn’t allow Lia to see her father because of how he treated me, it would hurt Lia because she deserves and needs a relationship with her father.
Khloe says we shouldn’t be irresponsible with our feelings, and we shouldn’t channel our hurt to other people, and this, to me, speaks volumes. There is a famous saying, “hurt people hurt people,” but if we can all deal with our hurt and heal from it, then we won’t hurt others. “You can’t always blame someone else for why you are the way you are, you have to be accountable too” -Khloe. We shouldn’t let emotional shame others or put a deadline on other people’s pain, but we should all work to try to heal from our pain. She also mentions that you can recover from the hurt and still talk about as long as you’re working through it.
I feel like everyone should listen to this episode, whether you are a fan of the Kardashians or not. There is a lot of truth spoken in this episode, and I love what Jay Shetty is doing with his platform and Khloe too. I try to spread positivity online and offline. Let’s challenge ourselves to try to be 5% kinder this new year! Blessings.
