Blog Spiritual

God is Present In The Heavy Seasons

Between August 2020 and March 2021 was a heavy grieving season for me. My grandfather went to heaven in August, I suffered a miscarriage in November, and my mother-in-law was called home to Jesus in March. Fortunately, if you can say that, this wasn’t my first season of grief; I learned the hardship of grief early in my life. At the young age of 23, my biological mother passed suddenly.

You don’t think about the passing of your mother. Although it’s impossible, you tend to think of her as immortal – someone who will always be there. That wasn’t the case for me. Everyone around me still had their mothers, so no one could understand my pain. They didn’t know the void in my chest that never leaves, the constant heaviness that hurt even to breathe, and they didn’t understand that a part of me died and I would never be the same. Actually – at the time, I didn’t know it either.

Since I had already endured the pain of losing a loved one, I thought I knew how this season of grief would be; however, I thought wrong. Each season is different because your relationship with each person is different. And losing a baby is another type of grief, but I’ll leave that story for another day. One difference in this season from the first was my relationship with God was stronger. So today, I want to share three things that helped me in my most recent season of grief.

One – Talking about my memories with my grandfather

My grandfather lived with us since I was 16 years old. We lived in a humble two-bedroom house; I slept in the living room while he slept in my room, so he was involved in many milestones of my life. For example, I took my driver’s test with his car. He helped me purchase my first car. He was present for my high school graduation. And when I was younger, I was told that he would go to a children’s boutique in the Dominican Republic to purchase a dress for me as a birthday gift. He did that for the first five years of my life. My mom would then get professional pictures taken of me in the dresses. To this day, I still have the pictures. So, sharing all these stories and memories with whoever would listen was helpful for me.

Two – Going on a trip to the beach

My husband’s birthday is August 13, and I planned a trip for us to Anna Maria Island. My grandfather passed on August 10 – just three days before the trip. I was so conflicted if we should continue with our plans. On the one hand, I wanted to celebrate my husband’s birthday, but then on the other, I didn’t want to seem insensitive to the situation. Since we couldn’t receive a full refund, we went for three instead of going for four days. And I am so glad we went. It’s hard to continue your day-to-day routine when your heart is so heavy, and this trip helped us get out of routine. It gave me time away from everyone to process my feelings and distract my mind for a few days. Also, I feel the closest to God at the beach, which was therapeutic for me.

Three – Staying rooted in God’s word

As I mentioned above, you can’t do business as usual when your heart is heavy. So, your schedule and routine are all messed up. However, in this season of grief, I was intentional about continuing my Bible reading. I continued my daily Bible plan and enjoyed reading the Bible at the beach. Listening to worship music while going through the miscarriage was comforting. And during my mother-in-law’s passing, I signed up for an online Bible Study; although I couldn’t log on to the calls, I continued to do the study, and it helped me stay mentally and emotionally stable.

These are things that helped me during my heavy season of grief. I know that everyone processes grief differently, and grief doesn’t look the same for everyone, but I hope my experience can help one person. And if you haven’t experienced grief, I hope you save this article and use it as a resource to help you during that difficult time.

I want to leave you with a Bible verse that came up multiple times during this season and reminded me that God was with me.

Psalms 147:3 NIV – “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

With Love, Heidy

What helped you during your season with grief?

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Losing You – A Poem

Photo by Irina Anastasiu on

Is this a dream?

Or are you really not here?

It feels like a nightmare – nothing feels real.

Is it true I won’t hear your voice again?

Unless it’s a recording.

I won’t see your face in the flesh, pictures are all that’s left.

No more touch of your skin or smell of your scent.

No more laughing till our stomachs hurt, all the jokes left unsaid.

Grief came too soon, no one prepares you for this.

The empty feeling came with your departure

and now it’s never leaving.

I’ll trade anything in the world for one more day with you.

But they said you’re in a better place now.

And that will have to do.

With Love, Heidy

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Blog Spiritual

Grief – Finding Encouragement in God’s Word.

It’s never easy to deal with the death of a loved one. Whether it’s a sudden death or an illness, it’s not easy. I’ve written about grief before, and I’ll write about grief again because once we lose a loved one to death, we never stop grieving.

I don’t like to say that it gets easier with time because it doesn’t. What happens is that life goes on, and once we feel strong again, we learn to cope with the pain. We learn to live with the void inside us, but the grief is always with us.

If you’ve lost a parent, spouse, grandparent, friend, child, or even a pet, you know grief. Because grief is grief, I would never take away from someone’s pain by saying that losing a parent is more painful than losing a spouse. No! I will empathize with them and try to provide comfort in any way. However, the only way to honestly know how someone feels when it comes to grief is if you’ve been there yourself.

Today I want to bring you Bible verses that have helped me in my time of grieving. In a way to bring you hope during this difficult time. God didn’t promise us a painless life, but He did promise to be with us in every situation, even when we grieve.

  • Joshua 1:9 NIV – Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
  • Psalm 147:3 NIV – He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
  • Psalm 34:18 NIV – The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

This verse reminds me of a blog post I read that mentioned how beautiful grief is because that means you really loved that person, and up until that point, I had not thought about grief as being beautiful. And this verse says that we who mourn are blessed.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 8:18 NIV

This verse is a reminder from the Apostle Paul that all our sufferings on Earth will be rewarded.

It’s hard to be encouraged or have hope that things will be okay again when we are dealing with grief, but we must remind ourselves to go through the emotions that come with grief to come out on the other side.

On the other side of grief, we have remembrance of our loved ones. We have beautiful memories and moments with them. Stories to share with others, pictures, and videos to keep their memory alive. Their legacy lives on in you.

I want to end this by reminding you that you are not alone in this journey. God is with you, and He loves you. There are others around you who can be there for support. I am here, and you can connect with me if you need someone to listen. You are not alone.

With Love, Heidy

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A Loss Is a Loss

I knew I was pregnant right away, as soon as I missed my period. Plus, we were trying for a baby. After a few months of negatives, the test was finally positive; I took another test to really confirm the following day.

Another positive.

I was beyond excited and couldn’t contain it.

I had already played in my mind how we would tell my parents, his family, and our closest friends.

I wanted to share my excitement immediately.

The same day of taking the second test, I wanted to share the good news, especially because my parents asked if we were going to have a child, but we always said no.

I couldn’t wait to record their reaction and treasure that memory forever.

They were ecstatic like I knew they would be.

Although Jonathan told me we should wait until we went to the doctors to confirm all was well, I wouldn’t listen. I was confident everything would be okay. 

The next person I couldn’t wait to tell was Lia.

She has been asking me for years if she could be a big sister. I’d never seen a child love babies like Lia loves babies.

For the longest, I’d tell her no, that we’d get her a puppy instead once we purchase a house. But I never told her that Jonathan and I were trying because I wanted to surprise her.

I recorded her reaction as well because I knew it would be priceless. From that moment on, it was just questions about the baby, touching my stomach, kissing it, and asking how the baby was.

Two days later the cramping started with spotting.

I know sometimes this is normal, so I didn’t worry too much about it.

But the bleeding worsens, so I called the OB, and they suggested to go to the hospital and not wait until my appointment Thursday to make sure everything was okay.

We arrived at the hospital and noticed that I bled through my pantiliner, so I asked for a pad. And I saw clots. I cried. I knew what was happening, but I still held on to a little bit of hope.

They did blood work, and they did an ultrasound. Jonathan told me he saw something flashing on the screen, and it reminded me of the first time I had a get a vaginal ultrasound with Lia, and they were able to find her right away. I saw the same thing, something pumping on the screen. They told me that was her heartbeat, so I thought it was the same this time around.

Once I get into the patient room, the nurse told me to put the hospital gown on, and the doctor would be in shortly. She gave me a warm blanket, and the waiting game began.

The doctor came in and started asking questions about my period, the pregnancy test I had taken, and my other pregnancies and birth. There has only been one other, and she is six years old, I said.

Well, the ultrasound doesn’t show anything, and your HCG levels are projecting a negative pregnancy test. It’s either a very early pregnancy, or this is your period. The only way to make sure is to do another blood test on Thursday since the hormone doubles every 48 hours.

WHAT! I’m not pregnant!? I thought immediately.

So, nothing showed up in the ultrasound? I asked.

No, here are the results. Any other questions.


I’ll get the nurse to bring your discharge paperwork.

I looked straight ahead, numb, just completely numb. I was trying to comprehend what I was informed. Wrap my head around what happened, what is going on, is this true? Am I really living this right now?

Jonathan just hugged me and kissed me and immediately the tears rolled down my face.

I felt so stupid. Why did I have to be so impatient? Why couldn’t I just wait to tell everyone. Now, I must tell them that there isn’t a baby, after getting everyone’s hopes up. Especially Lia. Ugh. This sucked.

Well, we got home, Jonathan ordered hibachi for us and we watched SNL – I needed the laugh.

Every time I went to the bathroom, there was a cruel reminder that I was not pregnant. The reminder that my baby wasn’t going to be my baby. The reminder that my baby didn’t make it. The painful reminder that I am now one of the many women to understand this kind of pain. That I, too, had so many hopes and dreams for my unborn child, even though it had only been two days. Because when you are trying to conceive, you start dreaming and planning before you conceive. You think about how you’re going to announce, the maternity pictures, the doctors’ appointments, and time off work. You picture your family’s reactions and the happiness and joy that this baby will bring. You want this so bad that when it finally happens, after waiting, it feels surreal, like yes! This time around, we did it! We finally did it! Only to have all those dreams and plans shattered every time you go to the bathroom and realize there’s no baby.

I went to my appointment on Thursday. I was so anxious and annoyed that because of COVID, Jonathan couldn’t go inside the appointment room with me. They needed a urine sample. I told the Medical Assistant it would have blood because of my bleeding, and she said that’s fine. I couldn’t pee. I was shaking and too anxious. After what felt like forever, I told the MA I couldn’t go. She said that’s okay. She took my vitals and took me to room number one.

I called Jonathan so he would be on the phone while I spoke to the doctor. The Nurse Practitioner came in, and I explained everything to her. She asked me a few follow-up questions and took my results from the hospital to the doctor. Shortly after, the doctor came in, and he reviewed my chart and told me that he needs a urine sample because this could be going two ways, either this is my period on a heavy flow or I’m having a miscarriage. Still, the only way to find out was with the urine sample.

I asked him if the pregnancy test would still show positive even if I were having a miscarriage. He reminded me again that the blood work is the most accurate pregnancy test, and it came back negative; also, that home test can provide false positives.

They gave me some water and back to the bathroom I went. I was finally able to provide a urine sample and I called Jonathan again.

Another nurse practitioner came to tell me that my test came back negative. “YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT,” she told me. Sitting there so annoyed, she said to me that sometimes we miscarry before the body can show up on the tests that we are pregnant, which is what is probably happening to me.

I left more confused than before. I told Jonathan the results and we went home. Once I got home Lia ran up to me asking if there was a baby and I told her no.

She immediately started bawling, and I explained that this happens sometimes, but we have to continue asking God for a sibling, and he will bless us when the time is right. She then asked me why did I tell her there was a baby if there wasn’t. That broke my heart. I responded, I wouldn’t do that to her; I wouldn’t tell her there was a baby if I didn’t think there was. She kept asking questions because she’s not the kid to take a simple answer and just go with it. So, I told her that the baby needed to attach to my insides, and it didn’t, so now I’m bleeding. Each day, after that, she would ask me if I was still bleeding. Honestly, Lia is such a great kid and really cares for the people she loves; it’s incredible to see. Now, when we do our nightly prayer, we ask for a healthy baby.

My faith in God has grown over the years, and I feel that if it weren’t for the relationship I have with him and the faith I have in him, I would have been worse. I know that this happens, and I know that it wasn’t my fault. But at that moment, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of being stupid. I felt like I got everyone’s emotions and hopes up just to crush them a few days later. I felt like I should have listened to Jonathan and that I shouldn’t be so impatient.

I know God is in control, and He knows why everything happens; I don’t question him ever. I just know that in his timing, he will provide us with a healthy baby. God placed it in my heart to have a baby after my grandfather passed. I said I would only stay with Lia for years, and Jonathan also mentioned he didn’t want more kids. But after my grandfather died and I saw my uncles and my aunt all sharing their grief, I remembered back when my mom passed how everything fell on me because my sister was only six years old and couldn’t help me make decisions; I realized I could not do this to Lia. I cannot let all that burden of when I pass fall on her alone.

From then I stopped taking the birth control pills.

This has been a tough loss and emotional also but with God, Jonathan, and my family they are helping me get through it.

Thank you for reading until the end.

Blog Spiritual

A Letter for Those Who Are Grieving.

The pain is real, and the void is deep. The tears will come and go but release them whenever they come. The memories will play in your head; share them. You’ll want to laugh and then cry right after, that’s okay. Pictures and videos are treasures. Their belongings are sentimental. The time spent with them hold it close to your heart. And don’t be afraid to express how you feel.

Our time on Earth is extremely precious because it is so short. The pain and sufferings we go through are all part of the journey of life. Unfortunately, there will be tears, but there are also many joys. There is a lot to be celebrated. Hold your loved ones close and never take for granted a minute of your life. Tell the people you love that you love them and what they mean to you because once they are gone, they cannot hear you.

We don’t know anything about the “afterlife.” We have many theories and beliefs, but no one has come back from the dead to tell us what happens, not even Jesus told us what exactly happens after we pass, just that if we believe we will have eternal life with him. We have this hope we hold on to that we will see our loved ones again. That we will meet them later, don’t lose that hope. Because no matter what happens afterward, it cannot be like the suffering and the pain we experience on Earth.

I know it hurts now, and as time goes on, it will not go “away,” but it will be easier to bear the void and pain because you will learn how to live with it. Because after you experience grief, you are never the same.

With Love, Heidy

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