The final goodbye

The day we laid you to rest was supposed to be a peaceful goodbye. But it was the complete opposite.

I didn’t want to see the face of many, but I knew they would arrive.

I had a panic attack.

The air wasn’t in my lungs and the room was getting crowded, for some reason I just wanted my little sister.

She was fine. No idea what was really going on.

Couldn’t comprehend that our mother was gone into heaven and wouldn’t return. She was only 7.

I received a pink rose, before I went in to see you, it was from the bouquet of roses that laid on your casket.

I still have that rose. In a box, with our picture in it.

The funeral director told me whenever I was ready we could start.

I walked in not knowing what to expect.

Then I saw you laying there……lifeless.

It hit me.

You were really gone.

I cried.

And cried.

And cried.

I don’t remember who was holding me but I continued crying.

Felt you so cold.

You had all the jewelry you used to wear.

Your fresh highlights on your red curly hair.

After a while, I was able to stop crying.

Then your aunt walked in causing a scene just as we knew she would.

Fake crying. Not a tear was dropped.

Your brother had the nerve to get me to the office and ask for a death certificate like you had left something behind.

Heartless people.

Let me say goodbye to my mother damn it.

Your wedding album was going around. After all these years you always saved it.

Someone asked me if I wanted it, “no, my grandma can have it”

I still have the picture we used at your funeral. You were 21 years young. So full of life and hopeful for the future.

But you were sick and no one knew

My sister told her dad to kiss you, again innocence at its greatest

I said my final goodbye.

Took a picture with my sister and that was the last time I saw her.

My father couldn’t go inside

My stepmother, the bravest soul, was right by my side, along with my aunt.

God bless them always.

Your mother kept the ashes

I couldn’t bare

But I have a necklace with your fingerprint and many pictures.

The day before your funeral I got called ungrateful and that I was acting like I just wanted gain out of this.

What gain could a daughter possibly want from her dead mother?

All I ever wanted was to help you. I dropped my life for you. Because I felt it was the right thing to do.

I love you with all my heart and I always will. You gave me life.

Rest in peace my dearest mother, Joanne Taveras. ‚̧

By Heidy De La Cruz

Daughter of God, Wife, Writer, Poet, Mother, and lover of life

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