First memory, always terrified
Always scared
Anything I said would be wrong
Anything I did was wrong
Always caused yelling or hitting
Looking into your eyes was like seeing the devil himself
Why can’t I do anything right?
But then you became soft
Loveable
We would cuddle at night
You’d ask for me to throw my feet on you
Say the Lords Prayer before sleep
I felt loved there
But those moments were rare
You always wanted to buy me things
The latest toys, designer clothes,
Jewelry
But none of that mattered to me
I just wanted my mothers love
As I got older you distance yourself
When I would visit you would drink
And drink…and drink……and drink
From morning
To sunset
You’d become aggressive
Dangerous
Put our lives in danger time and time again
There was something so deeply broken
With you
With me
With us
At 13 you failed to protect me
I learned what depression was
At 20 I became your mother
I became my sisters mother
And I had my own child
You wanted no help
You tried to take your life twice in front of my eyes
What child should see that?
Like a horror movie
A complete nightmare
I prayed for strength
But I was drowning
Suffocating
I needed to save myself
Your last words were that I was a bad daughter
That I would pay
I wasnt anything
I left and I never looked back
I forgave you
Forgiveness frees the heart
I was going to call for your birthday
It was in the back of my mind
Life happened
No call
You sent me a text saying I was dead to you
You only had one daughter
Jade
I was a disappointment
Worse thing ever
I read it…..over……and over……and over again
How can you be such a monster?
How could you not see all my efforts?
I dropped my life for you
Why am I never good enough?
March 11th 2016
You passed
Did you take your life like you wanted?
Was it an accident?
No more suffering
No more alcohol
No more pills
No more hurting
An empty hole deep inside me came with the news
I cried…..and cried…..and cried…..and cried….and cried….and cried….and cried
I was numb
I never got to say goodbye
I never got to tell you that I forgave you
I never got to tell you that despite everything I love you
I still love you
After your passing I found out you were bipolar
Made sense
Am I bipolar too?
Sometimes I feel like I’m just like you
I try not to be
You gave me the example of what not to be
But you were sick
I miss you
Everyday I miss you
Many days it’s hard to believe you are gone
The empty feeling never goes away
