My mothers love

First memory, always terrified

Always scared

Anything I said would be wrong

Anything I did was wrong

Always caused yelling or hitting

Looking into your eyes was like seeing the devil himself

Why can’t I do anything right?

But then you became soft


We would cuddle at night

You’d ask for me to throw my feet on you

Say the Lords Prayer before sleep

I felt loved there

But those moments were rare

You always wanted to buy me things

The latest toys, designer clothes,


But none of that mattered to me

I just wanted my mothers love

As I got older you distance yourself

When I would visit you would drink

And drink…and drink……and drink

From morning

To sunset

You’d become aggressive


Put our lives in danger time and time again

There was something so deeply broken

With you

With me

With us

At 13 you failed to protect me

I learned what depression was

At 20 I became your mother

I became my sisters mother

And I had my own child

You wanted no help

You tried to take your life twice in front of my eyes

What child should see that?

Like a horror movie

A complete nightmare

I prayed for strength

But I was drowning


I needed to save myself

Your last words were that I was a bad daughter

That I would pay

I wasnt anything

I left and I never looked back

I forgave you

Forgiveness frees the heart

I was going to call for your birthday

It was in the back of my mind

Life happened

No call

You sent me a text saying I was dead to you

You only had one daughter


I was a disappointment

Worse thing ever

I read it…..over……and over……and over again

How can you be such a monster?

How could you not see all my efforts?

I dropped my life for you

Why am I never good enough?

March 11th 2016

You passed

Did you take your life like you wanted?

Was it an accident?

No more suffering

No more alcohol

No more pills

No more hurting

An empty hole deep inside me came with the news

I cried…..and cried…..and cried…..and cried….and cried….and cried….and cried

I was numb

I never got to say goodbye

I never got to tell you that I forgave you

I never got to tell you that despite everything I love you

I still love you

After your passing I found out you were bipolar

Made sense

Am I bipolar too?

Sometimes I feel like I’m just like you

I try not to be

You gave me the example of what not to be

But you were sick

I miss you

Everyday I miss you

Many days it’s hard to believe you are gone

The empty feeling never goes away

By Heidy De La Cruz

Daughter of God, Wife, Writer, Poet, Mother, and lover of life

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