Emptiness

On Friday night, March 11th I received the most terrifying news that any daughter or son could receive, that their mother has passed away. It took a while for my brain to process what my ears had heard but once it processed it felt like a brick hit my chest a thousand times and a part of me deep inside was ripped out. As soon as I had wrapped my head around the news this empty feeling hasn’t gone away for one second. My mother took a part of me when she left this earth. Luckily, I’m not alone in this grieving process. My parents, (dad and stepmom) have been extremely supportive, friends have sent their prayers and kind words, distance family members have reached out, and my husband was able to be by my side this weekend while I took care of everything. Minutes before the viewing I was feeling a mixture of emotions all at once, something that I had never felt before. It was anxiousness, nervousness, anger, sadness, and nausea all at once. A million thoughts were running through my head like a 5k  marathon and I was extremely nervous about how I would react when I would see her for one last time. I also almost had a panic attack before I went in. When I saw my beautiful mother laying there peacefully I thought, “you’re finally at peace.” My poor mother was truly suffering in this world and God finally decided to call her home, a little sooner than I anticipated but he called her. Since, I heard the news not once did I question “why?” There is always a reason why but that doesn’t have to be known. I’m just relieved it was a peaceful death since she died in her sleep. Of course she will be extremely missed, everyday I’ll think of her and I’ll miss her. I just hope I can cope with this empty feeling inside, but I do know that God will give me strength and also that time heals all wounds.

I love you mommy.

Rest in heaven.